Macbeth - Act III Scene III
Murderer 1(OJ): Yannick
Murderer 2: Corrie
Murderer 3: Jenny Ann
[Setting: woods outside castle.]
OJ: Man, who told you to join us?
OJ: We don’t need any more people in on this because I may not get off as easy as when I killed Macgoldman and lady Nicole.[aside]: And you can all find out the true story of that in my $29.95 video.
M2: She’s all right.
OJ: All right, but I don’t like this.
[begin galloping sound]
M3: Hark! I hear coconuts!
OJ: That’s a horse, you idiot!
Bq: (offstage) Fetch me a light, ho!
[begin sinister music]
M2: There he is!
M3: ‘Tis he!
OJ: Feels just like old times!
Bq: Looks like it’s gonna rain pigs and hogs tonight.
OJ: It’s gonna rain pigs, a’ight!
[OJ bludgeons Bq with pig]
Bq: Fly, Fleance, fly!
[Bq dies, Fleance flies]
M3: Who put out the torch?
OJ: Ain’t that what we agreed on?
M3: We only killed Banquo. His kid got away.
OJ: Oh no! There’s gonna be another trial, but this time they’ve got an eyewitness!
M2: Well let’s go, and I’ll report to Macbeth.
[Exeunt Murderers, with OJ accidentally dropping glove. Re-enter Fleance, who picks up glove.]
Macbeth - Act III Scene IV
Lady Macbeth: Jenny Ann
Murderer 2: Corrie
[Setting: Banquet Hall]
Mb: Howdy, folks. I’m glad y’all enjoyed the hay-ride. Wasn’t that fun? Now grab your brewskie and hunker down for some good eatin’.
[Everyone opens McDonald’s bags. Music and laughing.]
LM: Give all your peon friends my regards.
Mb: Don’t mind her. She thinks she’s better’n us; but after a little persuasion from ol’ Jack Daniels, she’ll come down. Bottoms up, everybody!(socializes briefly)
[Music and laughing fades. M2 appears at door. Mb stumbles over to M2.]
Mb: What’s that on your face? Is that blood?
M2: No, it’s ketchup, you old drunk hick! Of course it’s blood. It’s Banquo’s.
Mb: It’s better’n on your face than on mine… I mean, it’s better’n on my face than yours… I mean…
[M2 slaps Mb.]
Mb: Is he dead?
M2: He has been beaten by the mighty swine. Too many ribs can kill a man.
Mb: Whoa! I’d better quit eatin’ ‘em then (drops bucket). Forsooth, thou art the best of the swine beaters! Did you get Fleance, too?
M2: Most intoxicated sir, Fleance escaped.
Mb: Dad-burn! Well how did you dispose of Banquet?
M2: He and the swine are lying beaten in a ditch.
Mb: Get on outta here. We’ll talk later, when I’m sober.
[Exit M2. Mb stumbles back into hall.]
LM: You’re forgetting your guests in your drunkenness. You should go mingle with them, although they’re probably too drunk to care anyway.
Lx: Sit down, your drunkenness.
[Enter Ghost of Banquo and sits in Mb’s place.]
Mb: I wish my drinking-buddy Banquet was here.(hiccups)
Rs: He promised he would be here, but he is not. Sit down, and we’ll deal you in.
Mb: But the table’s full.
Lx: You’re drunker than I thought. There’s a place right here!
Mb: Where at?
Lx: Right here, man! What’s wrong with you?
Lo: What, my good lord?
Mb: Are y’all joshlin’ me? Thou canst not say I did it. Never shake thy gory locks at me!
Rs: Gentlemen, rise. His highness is not well.
LM: He’s just drunk.
[LM pulls Mb towards her] [aside]
LM: Are you a man?
Mb: Yeah, last time I checked.
[LM slaps Mb]
LM: That’s not what I mean! Are you sober?
Mb: Of course I’m sober. Can’t you see Banquet’s ghost?
[Ghost becomes quiet]
LM: You are drunk, aren’t you? You’re seeing things again. Banquo’s dead. You are looking at an empty chair! You’ve really gone past your limit tonight.
Mb: Prithee! Dadburn! Doggone! Zowie! How say you? He was there a minute ago!
LM: Get a hold of yourself! Go back over there and apologize to your peon friends.
Mb: Whatever.(walks in opposite direction of table)
LM: (grabs Mb by arm) No! Over there!
Mb: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your beers.
Lo: Our beers, and the pledge!(hands Mb beer)
Mb: (after taking swig) I come to apologize.
[Re-enter ghost, wailing]
Mb: Avaunt! And quit my sight! Let the earth hide thee!
LM: He always does this when he’s drunk.
Mb: Be an anthrax-infested cow or a rabid dog, but do not take the form of Banquet!
Mb: I am a man again.
LM: It’s just like you to ruin a good party.
Mb: Have none of you seen the sights I have seen?
Rs: What sights, my lord?
LM: Just leave. Don’t even speak to him. He just gets worse.
Lx: Good night, and may your hangover not be severe, my lord.
LM: Good night, everyone, and thank you for coming. Does anyone need a designated horseman?
[Exit all except LM and Mb]
Mb: Exeunt! (loses consciousness)
[Exit LM, looking disgusted as she walks past Mb]