Macbeth - Act III Scene III

Murderer 1(OJ): Yannick
Murderer 2: Corrie
Murderer 3: Jenny Ann
Banquo: Jason
Fleance: Carl

[Setting: woods outside castle.]

OJ: Man, who told you to join us?

M3: Macbeth.

OJ: We don’t need any more people in on this because I may not get off as easy as when I killed Macgoldman and lady Nicole.[aside]: And you can all find out the true story of that in my $29.95 video.

M2: She’s all right.

OJ: All right, but I don’t like this.

[begin galloping sound]

M3: Hark! I hear coconuts!

OJ: That’s a horse, you idiot!

Bq: (offstage) Fetch me a light, ho!

[begin sinister music]

M2: There he is!

M3: ‘Tis he!

OJ: Feels just like old times!

Bq: Looks like it’s gonna rain pigs and hogs tonight.

OJ: It’s gonna rain pigs, a’ight!

[OJ bludgeons Bq with pig]

Bq: Fly, Fleance, fly!

[Bq dies, Fleance flies]

M3: Who put out the torch?

OJ: Ain’t that what we agreed on?

M3: We only killed Banquo. His kid got away.

OJ: Oh no! There’s gonna be another trial, but this time they’ve got an eyewitness!

M2: Well let’s go, and I’ll report to Macbeth.

[Exeunt Murderers, with OJ accidentally dropping glove. Re-enter Fleance, who picks up glove.]

Macbeth - Act III Scene IV

Macbeth: Jason
Lady Macbeth: Jenny Ann
Murderer 2: Corrie
Lennox: Yannick
Ross: Carl
Lourdes: Corrie

[Setting: Banquet Hall]

Mb: Howdy, folks. I’m glad y’all enjoyed the hay-ride. Wasn’t that fun? Now grab your brewskie and hunker down for some good eatin’.
[Everyone opens McDonald’s bags. Music and laughing.]

LM: Give all your peon friends my regards.

Mb: Don’t mind her. She thinks she’s better’n us; but after a little persuasion from ol’ Jack Daniels, she’ll come down. Bottoms up, everybody!(socializes briefly)
[Music and laughing fades. M2 appears at door. Mb stumbles over to M2.]

Mb: What’s that on your face? Is that blood?

M2: No, it’s ketchup, you old drunk hick! Of course it’s blood. It’s Banquo’s.

Mb: It’s better’n on your face than on mine… I mean, it’s better’n on my face than yours… I mean…

[M2 slaps Mb.]

Mb: Is he dead?

M2: He has been beaten by the mighty swine. Too many ribs can kill a man.

Mb: Whoa! I’d better quit eatin’ ‘em then (drops bucket). Forsooth, thou art the best of the swine beaters! Did you get Fleance, too?

M2: Most intoxicated sir, Fleance escaped.

Mb: Dad-burn! Well how did you dispose of Banquet?

M2: He and the swine are lying beaten in a ditch.

Mb: Get on outta here. We’ll talk later, when I’m sober.

[Exit M2. Mb stumbles back into hall.]

LM: You’re forgetting your guests in your drunkenness. You should go mingle with them, although they’re probably too drunk to care anyway.

Mb: Digest!

Lx: Sit down, your drunkenness.

[Enter Ghost of Banquo and sits in Mb’s place.]

Mb: I wish my drinking-buddy Banquet was here.(hiccups)

Rs: He promised he would be here, but he is not. Sit down, and we’ll deal you in.

Mb: But the table’s full.

Lx: You’re drunker than I thought. There’s a place right here!

Mb: Where at?

Lx: Right here, man! What’s wrong with you?

Lo: What, my good lord?

[Ghost wails]

Mb: Are y’all joshlin’ me? Thou canst not say I did it. Never shake thy gory locks at me!

Rs: Gentlemen, rise. His highness is not well.

LM: He’s just drunk.

[LM pulls Mb towards her] [aside]

LM: Are you a man?

Mb: Yeah, last time I checked.

[LM slaps Mb]

LM: That’s not what I mean! Are you sober?

Mb: Of course I’m sober. Can’t you see Banquet’s ghost?

[Ghost becomes quiet]

LM: You are drunk, aren’t you? You’re seeing things again. Banquo’s dead. You are looking at an empty chair! You’ve really gone past your limit tonight.

Mb: Prithee! Dadburn! Doggone! Zowie! How say you? He was there a minute ago!

[Exit ghost]

LM: Get a hold of yourself! Go back over there and apologize to your peon friends.

Mb: Whatever.(walks in opposite direction of table)

LM: (grabs Mb by arm) No! Over there!

Mb: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your beers.

Lo: Our beers, and the pledge!(hands Mb beer)

Mb: (after taking swig) I come to apologize.

[Re-enter ghost, wailing]

Mb: Avaunt! And quit my sight! Let the earth hide thee!

LM: He always does this when he’s drunk.

Mb: Be an anthrax-infested cow or a rabid dog, but do not take the form of Banquet!

[Ghost disappears]

Mb: I am a man again.

LM: It’s just like you to ruin a good party.

Mb: Have none of you seen the sights I have seen?

Rs: What sights, my lord?

LM: Just leave. Don’t even speak to him. He just gets worse.

Lx: Good night, and may your hangover not be severe, my lord.

LM: Good night, everyone, and thank you for coming. Does anyone need a designated horseman?

[Exit all except LM and Mb]

Mb: Exeunt! (loses consciousness)

[Exit LM, looking disgusted as she walks past Mb]